It has taken me a while to write this post, and as I sit here and type my fingers feel so heavy.
Most bloggers, social media junkies or movie lovers were posting, tweeting and commenting minutes if not moments after hearing the news of the suicude of Robin Williams.
But I couldn’t.
I remember standing in my bathroom that afternoon as my husband walks up and tells me what had happened. For most of our society, they automatically wanted to share their favorite movie or how Robin made them laugh through the years. But for me, my mind went in a different direction. My thoughts were, “What battles was he fighting inside?”, “How much pain was he feeling but not sharing with the ones he loved?”, “Did he reach out or try to keep up the facade of everything is okay?”.
Robin Williams was a man who made others smile, while he was dying inside. When did his laughter turn to tears for him? Was making others laugh and smile a coping mechanism for his own survival?” These questions will probably never be answered because for the hurting people its not easy to share or explain.
You might wander why my thoughts went to his pain that day?
See, I also struggle with mental illness. I am diagnosed with Bi-Polar (aka manic depression), Anxiety and Panic Disorders, OCD and even though I haven’t officially been diagnosed yet, we are leaning toward Highly Sensitive Disorder (HSD). I knew even as a young child I was different. I was creative, and enjoyed being by myself. I would sit in my room all weekend and read or make up stories. As a teenager, relationships became difficult. I would get upset over the slightest thing and withdraw from friends.
After I was married and had children my symptoms were severe. I would sit in my closet and rock back and forth. When the world said something was okay, I had a meltdown. See in my world little things become big things and they are not okay. Finally after the death of my momma, I had the trigger that would define me for the rest of my life. I was under so much stress and grief, that was all it took to flip my switch inside my head.
Mental Illness is cruel. It is exhausting. The world does not understand and even though we live in a day of modern medicine where so many illnesses are normal, mental illness is still judged and you can never be normal. It’s hard to know that no matter how much treatment you have, and meds you take the illness is never going away.
I’m not sure why we all experience struggles and hardships. I’m not sure why when we try our hardest to be a light in the world of darkness, to serve God’s people, to show love when no one else is, why we still become broken.
In the past month I had made a decision for myself and my health to take a step back from so many obligations. To start saying “No” for a change and focus on me, something that I’m not very good at.
See, I’ve never focused on me. It’s always been about everybody else. Isn’t that what we are taught? To not be selfish, that our life is not our own? But what I realized in the midst of giving my whole self away to everyone and everything that needed me, I lost me.
I lost the person I was, the person who had dreams and visions for who I wanted to be, the person who stood out in the crowds for not being scared to take a risk. But everytime I gave a little more of me away, I became someone I didn’t recognize. I started realizing that people are cruel, heartless and so judgemental. People are selfish. It’s all about how much more can they get.
And how we live in a society of laziness. Forget doing anything for yourself. Just have someone else do it for you.
I was raised in a older generation family. A family where hard work was not an option. Where you took care of your family and you didn’t play a victim so you could get help without doing any work for it. You kept your problems quiet. You worked them out within the walls of your own home. You didn’t need to shout it from the rooftops or on Social Media. A time of slower pace and so much more simplicity. I realized, that is still who I am. I am still that person who was raised in simplicity. Who made sure her family was taken care of and who wasn’t in a constant rat race.
I started enjoying being alone, being at home. In the quietness of my own walls I found peace and solace. I started finding interests I enjoyed. Ways to share my creativity without being overwhelmed and overran. I started realizing I enjoyed the companionship of my fur-babies. I loved the joy they experienced when I was around. The unconditional love I experienced from them. I started finding myself living for them. For a living soul who was genuinely happy I was alive. Who, no matter what mood I was experiencing, knew no judgements against me.
So I had made the decision to put focus back on me a month ago. To start worrying about my dreams, and my visions again. To slow down, stop back and get healthy.
Since that time two of my fur-babies have died.
Am I being punished for loving them?
Am I being punished for being selfish for the first time in my life?
I’m not really sure.
All I know is I am broken. I am hurting, I’m mad, and I’m angry. But most of all I have so much guilt that I’m hating myself.
I’m I being taught a lesson or is it just life I’m experiencing?
I don’t know the answer. All I know is that the more pain and hurt I experience the more I want to surround myself within the walls on my own home and try to protect the ones who matter most in my heart.
See I’m human.
And I’m grieving.
Maybe it’s not over a human life but it’s over a life that showed me more love than most would dare to do.
When you have the illness I have, and it already takes an army to fight each day, any loss becomes too much to bear. The world becomes a dark, ugly place that I no longer want to be involved in.
I hate the battles that are inside me. I’m not sure why I’m being tormented.
Why did God decide I needed to have this illness.
I can’t seem to find peace anymore. I keep praying for God to shed some light on the situation but I can’t find the answers. I feel I’m losing myself.
I’m in an emotional war. A war I pray that others never have to experience.
So today, I am doing something for myself. I am taking a huge step to get emotional healthy. It will not be easy, it will not be quick. But it will be worth it in the end. I am tired of saying I’m Okay, when I’m not. I’m tired of putting on a smile when I’m dying inside.
Today is the day I find peace. I will be on a health, healing and prayer sabbatical for the next few weeks. Until I return I ask you to pray for my health and my healing. I ask you to pray for the others who are hurt and broken but hasn’t found the courage to step forward. I pray you take care of yourself.